I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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