I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
