Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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