Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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