the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
