took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
