4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
