The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
