Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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