Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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