Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
