god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
