Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
