history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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