Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
