Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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