My sheets look like a crime scene.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
