Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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