you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
