Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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