He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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