One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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