hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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