I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
