is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
