The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
