This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
