He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
