I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
