he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
