You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
