There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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