Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
