i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
