I could make wine with my vomit
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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