Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
