Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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