k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
