overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
