My hand turned me down
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
