You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
