Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
