I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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