It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
