Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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