i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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