you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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