Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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