Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Panties = found
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
