if i can run in heels then i can drive
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
