I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
