i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
