tonight lets celebrate not being married
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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